My thighs blistered and my throat ran dry. I couldn’t handle one more second in the driver’s seat of that sedan. Minutes felt like hours as I marinated in the smell of hot leather with this complete stranger; I had seen and heard enough. “I think we’re done here,” the interruption jumped out of my mouth, striking his kind voice silent.
As we opened our doors, the bajillion degrees celsius air bum-rushed me, melting my nerves into a puddle at my feet. Usually, I meet decision making with Lake Victoria-esque posture, but it was nowhere to be found. My intuition told me I couldn’t afford to stay in this puddle-minded mess for long and anyone knows an Arizona summer day would make short work of me in no time.
“You have to go with what you want most. There is no right or wrong here, just options” he sung to me over the hood of the car.
I was undone. Paralyzed, I delivered a polite return acutely aware that if I spoke any more words it would reveal how incoherent my thoughts had become. I shrunk down in a protective posture thinking I’d be able to keep up the image of “kick-ass’decision-maker” I wanted so badly to portray. This was a day I had been dreaming of for 6 years.
I shook his hand, “Thank you for your time. My husband will be in touch with you with what we decide to do.”
What the, what? That didn’t even sound like me. I left the car lot feeling like a phony and I wondered: Where were my cajones? At the age of 7 my appetite for knowing what I wanted and going after it without hesitation was set in motion while my father proudly looked over a heaping platter of Love’s famous BBQ ribs. “That’s my girl!” Daddy exclaimed. That fateful night I killed that plate of oink oink and never looked back; but where the hell was that little girl now?
This kind of hesitation and shutting down isn’t reserved for just car shopping, or deciding to turn off cable and convert to Netflix, it also happens a lot in the process deciding what to do with our homes. Whether my people share the real deal with me or not, common thoughts like:
- "It seems like so many steps, should we just renew the lease for another year and deal with this later?"
- "I am so tired of the commuting, but I just don’t think moving closer to (work, school, town) has the kind of neighborhood I want to live in (or can afford)."
- "My credit is sort of iffy and savings is weak. I’m not even sure we have enough equity to cover all the costs."
And the net result of letting this kind of resistance take over is actually a non-result. No decision is made, nothing changes. You might find some temporary comfort, because there's no exposure to failure or rejection if you're not asking for what you deeply desire and dream for. Tragic, really.
When I left the dealership I grappled with my inner demons. After asking myself some really, really hard questions I called my sister, chatted briefly with my husband and after not finding any answers in the words of others I went to numb out a little on Facebook. And there it was. A Jim Carrey video that promised to alter the way I live my life in 60 seconds.
“Sure, I could use something funny right about now,” I thought to myself, “a little reset for my hollow head.” And then something unexpected happened as Mr. Carrey poured out these words:
“You can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the future. But all there ever be is what’s happening here with the decisions we are making this moment that are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying, I’m proof you can ask the universe for it.”
DESIRE. SWEET SURRENDER.
And like magic the battle fell away and I let my wanting take over. I had been denying myself what I knew to be right all along. It was clear, simple and easy to know what to do next once I gave myself permission.
Sometimes you grapple with your options, when it’s not really the options that are making such a fog of everything. It’s your fear of choosing what you want, and you shut down just enough to pursue what we’ve convinced ourselves is practical. You know this practicality leads you to a displeased restlessness, but you find many reasons to justify your position.
But what if, just for a moment, you allowed yourself to know that the pursuit of your desires would lead you to the most practical outcome of them all. Harmonious satisfaction.
If you’ve been thinking of making a move but have run into hurdles or negative talk. Really take a look at what’s keeping you from moving those thoughts forward into the make-it-happen stage. There’s a wide difference between “it would bring me certain ruin” and “i’m not sure it’s the right thing for me.” Then give yourself a kick in the pants and pull the trigger.
Today, I am the proud new owner of a BMW.
What could be waiting for you at the other end of your resistance?
With my white flag waiving to my own practicality veiled resistance,
P.S. Can't wait for the next time we meet up here again- don't forget to opt-in for free updates.